NEW YORK AND THE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Melbourne, Australia, 2013. My twelve year old daughter, Ella, wants to return to New York. The last time Ella was in the Big Apple she was only seven. My wife Cate, Ella, her two brothers and I had lived there as family for ninety precious days, almost six years ago.

We even made a special book to commemorate the adventure. It sits on our shelf and Ella is fascinated by it’s memories, fleeting and exotic, surreal and yet – there she is standing in the middle of Times Square. I feel for Ella. Looking at pictures of herself when she was only seven, standing in middle of Broadway,  explaining how it seems as though a chapter in life has passed her by – because she wasn’t old enough to realise its significance.

Ella is desperate to experience New York NOW, with the wisdom of an TWELVE YEAR OLD.  At seven she was… JUST A KID. True, part of Ella wants to relive the New York of M and M stores, Milk and Cookies in the East Village, Times Square at midnight and billboards burning the back of her eyes. But another part of her feels an opportunity missed, a chance to catch lighting in a bottle, and carry it forward as she moves past the safety of childhood into deeper waters. NYC will feed her soul in ways she senses rather than understands. She often says to me; “Dad, philosophically I’m an old soul – even if in other ways I’m a young soul, you know?”.

Yeah, Ella, your mum and I know. And there’s nothing more we would love than to take you back to New York in 2014. To take the whole family back and relive our adventures, but for many reasons it just isn’t going to happen.

…Six months later.

Ella and I make and perform a cabaret together. She learns about working hard and taking a risk and we save some money.

…Six months later.

We take the cabaret to a festival in Tasmania, learn a lot more about taking a risk and we save a bit more.

…Ella turns thirteen.

By the start of 2015, Cate and I decide it is time. Not only will a trip to New York be a lesson in the school of life, but it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity for father and daughter to live an adventure together, as a team, before the window of childhood closes and the adolescent years take over in full force, whatever form that force takes in our only daughter.

I make theatre. It’s a unique beast, doling out cruelty as often as it rewards. Actually, who am I kidding – the theatre is cruel far more often than it rewards – so you have to love it. You have to know where to find the love in it – and how to let that love sustain you. It doesn’t pay very much. It’s not very secure. You have to stay versatile and committed to earn a living, if you’re not one of the lucky few who strike gold.

Both Cate and I work in – and love the theatre. I suppose it comes as no surprise then, that Ella loves the theatre too. Whether she makes it her life or becomes a forensic scientist who designs costumes on the side is yet to reveal itself. Like all parents, Cate and I just want our kids to be happy and secure and grow up to be decent human beings who contribute to the world in a positive way.

As a parent, I guess, I also worry about my kids. I wish I didn’t. I know it’s a weakness. Fear. I try not to give into the fear. The anxiety. I do my best. I worry that my own choices affect their future. By choosing the life of an artist in the theatre, as opposed to being an Art Director for an advertising agency (which I was, once upon a time) I limit my children’s opportunities. Of course it’s not all my responsibility. Cate works hard too and we’re a team. We often discuss working more hours together, making more money – but we always come back to the price our family would pay in other ways. For every Ying – there is a Yang.

Which isn’t to say our kids are starved of opportunity. We think we’re blessed with the school they attend, but you’d have to be wearing a thick paper bag over your head not to notice the abundance of riches some schools have compared to those that fight for every resource. Consequently, whether I possess an idealism born of necessity or the actual truth (only time will tell), I figure if you choose the path Cate and I have, then you have to take a whole other approach to your kid’s education. You have to be willing to engage with your kid’s teachers, not issue demands. You have to invest fully in the reality of diversity and relationships and collaboration – and take an active role in developing your child’s ability to engage and build trust and forge relationships, with all kinds of people and cultures. Sounds a bit preachy huh, yes, well, commitment to an ideal helps with the anxiety of not knowing how it’s all going to work out. But I mean, who knows, right?

Education. Opportunity. Resources. Necessity and common sense says you have to find innovative ways to fill the gaps. You have to be vigilant and challenge your kids to ‘learn how to learn’. You have to help them build relationships with the world. As a parent you have to be brave enough and wise enough not to become obsessed with scores and averages. You’ve got to trust that your kids are smart enough to work out what they are passionate about, if given the opportunity – and with that self-knowledge make their way to a successful life that ultimately has nothing to do with a top VCE score and everything to do with their ability to get the score they need, in order to do what they want to do, to engage with the world and reach their full potential.

Right?

New York, May 2015

My own experiences tell me that the greatest gift Cate and I can give our kids is confidence in themselves – confidence to pursue things they are passionate about. Confidence they can succeed in the world.

New York is about many things, none the least of which is seeing a lot of shows on Broadway, but for Ella it’s also about self-confidence and self-discovery. New York is intense. The people here are intense. They seek out the best in you. They expect you to have an opinion, even young people. Especially young people. New York gives Ella the chance to visit the Empire State Building and see ‘Brandy performing in Chicago the musical. It also gives her the chance to think more deeply, to express her insights with commitment, because she is meeting people who want to hear them. She has to discover her own intelligence(s), she has to have a point of view and have the integrity to articulate that point of view while being open and respectful of others.

New Yorkers do not condescend to children. They challenge their opinion and they listen. In her two weeks here, Ella has expressed her thoughts and ideas to people who hear a lot of opinions; directors, composers, writers, Grammy award winners, the heads of large organisations. Ella has been listened to and she has had to have an opinion, even when that opinion is challenged.

New York is also about father and daughter time, where there is NO ESCAPE. I have found it very intense as Ella investigates me, my own writing, which she does, often, listening to my songs over and over, wanting to know what they are about and why I wrote them. Her curiosity is both confronting, overwhelming  and a gift. One that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I try to let her know who I am – honestly – without tearing myself too fast off the pedestal she places me on. Little by little I try to make the picture as accurate as possible, which is a folly, because who really knows themselves that well. I think Ella understands me. She wants me to know how much she loves and respects me. Like I say, it’s a gift.

…Two weeks pass.

…Tomorrow we leave.

Two memories that will remain particularly vivid.

Ella being asked to give Michael Kerker, the head of Musical Theatre at ASCAP her ‘review’ of the musical ‘Ever After’, only to have her opinions echoed three days later in Charles Isherwood’s, New York Times review, which Michael kindly cuts out and gives to her as a gift.

Finally, the look on Ella’s face as we sit watching the David Hare play ‘Skylight’ together. A play that I had wanted to see, Ella is just along for the ride, watching Cary Mulligan and Bill Nighy work their craft, only to find herself engrossed with the ideas in the play and the commitment of the actors as they fight through their tumultuous relationship and the emotional cage in which they have imprisoned themselves. I’m not sure what makes me happier, the artistry of the actor’s performances or hearing the sound of Ella clap and cheer Carey Mulligan’s passionate monologue on social justice.

…Afterwards.

ELLA: “Hey Dad, I might change my mind, but I think I might be starting to enjoy plays more than musicals. I want to try and write one…”

Perhaps a forensic Scientist who designs fashion on the side and writes plays…